Self-Indulgent?

CLASSES
Combat: My combat partner was out for the first half of the day, so I worked with someone else, whose partner was on the injury list. It was a great experience for two reasons. First, I'd been a little nervous working combat with this person in the past, feeling they were a little dangerous. No longer is this the case, and I'd now feel comfortable working combat with him anytime.

The second was working with a new partner. We found new things. We'd changed partners several times a class, until about a month ago when we got our partner assignments for the certification test. Finding the differences with a new partner, and the common essence was illuminating. And like a scene partner, we'd really started to work with our combat partners in as specific a way. Funny, how listening to your partner was reinvigorated in this circumstance -- with a fresh partner. It would be interesting to try this with a scene partner, but it won't be often you have someone working the same parts to switch with.

Geof again talked of how this is acting, in the same way as working any non-combat scene. He muses how he sees all this great movement work, whether it is here at ETI, or the people with incredible Suzuki training at PATP (Professional Actor's Training Program: University of Washington's MFA program). Put a weapon in their hands and they forget all that work. He did the same too, and wants to speed along the fusion.


Voice (Brennan):
Straight into the scenes, I'll be working next week. I'm looking forward to next Friday when we'll work my Caliban scene.

Acting/Verse/Text (John -- Amy had a commitment at Children's Hospital):
We wanted to work on personalization and stakes for our scene. This was very intense and personal work, so details will be skipped. My heart was breaking during the exercise and it was a Hell of a challenge to stay with the form of the exercise. When we worked on my end of the equation, the threat was John would do more with my partner. My partner was at a raw point, and I was as shaken up. It added a lot to the scene. The challenge will be to do something like this elsewhere. It's not the sort of coaching one could do for yourself, or each other. However it is the type of stuff I've trained with for several years, culminating in Meisner. I think a lot of it here is bringing that kind of deep work into classical texts. It is there in the text, and we simply get sidetracked by the beauty and form of the text.

As I said, this exercise left me emotionally heightened, that somewhat drained feeling. I didn't realize how much at first, nor as we went more into the scene a bit towards the end of our time. I had forgotten the damn thing had me crying too, until shortly afterwards I was asked by my scene partner and another person I was sitting with if I was doing alright. My eyes were still watery. It is an interesting thing to go all out, crying, but not bawling. My voice (and myself) stayed engaged, and the state fueled it. This is a place we have worked towards for a long time, and I was surprised to find myself there. We won't do the scene quite this way, but it sure will flavor the relationship.

I was the obstacle in later scene, where I was to hold onto Richard III using a bear hug, in the Anne/Richard scene. Luckily our Richard is pretty short, but he is strong. I didn't let him go, even though I used only my strength to hold him, and an occasional wrestling move of sorts to restore a good grip or move us. I did not want to hold him using my weight, which would have been much, much easier for me, but would have made breathing too much of a chore for him. It paid off. He has a wonderful voice, and this opened it up in a strong, natural, and connected way. It certainly wasn't my idea to do the exercise, and the training all year was the most important factor. (I've seen the same thing in beginning and intermediate classes, but not with so much effect.) I do like to think my choice to not let him escape or to use my weight was a little help. Otherwise my very sore arms would be for naught.


OBSERVATIONS/CLICKS
That bit in acting class was pretty affecting. As we worked on the personalization, I was wondering what I could find in my life that would have the transformative power my partner was finding and was moving me so deeply. I've not been in a serious intimate relationship since I divorced fifteen or sixteen years ago, and it has been a personal challenge for characters that have a strong intimate relationships -- not an unusual situation. I don't know that John is aware of that, but his choice to have me protect my scene partner from him was brilliant. Something I could not have done not long ago. Attacking John without kicking in the teacher/student filters takes a lot of trust, and a little courage.

I wonder if all my cogitations aren't also a way for me to avoid fully accepting compliments and indications of personal and professional growth as an artist. I process a lot of what I learn in these journal entries, which is part of the reason I don't worry a lot about repeating myself. Now, I need to think about this as I'm wondering if the final four paragraphs could or should have been written as:
I received some very nice, sincere, and multi-layered compliments after class today. This has been happening with increasing frequency and informs me my work is stronger and more consistent than in the past. It has also made it easier for me to own my work and ask questions in an articulate, concise, and confident manner. This improvement has not only made me feel better about myself as an artist and human, but makes me want to find a way of sharing this growth experience with others.

And now the final four paragraphs mentioned:

Several classmates told me how they really like watching Lori and I work. We really like working together which makes a difference. I think I remembered to say thank you, and not defuse the compliments. I did mention at least once how nice it was to work with Lori, which was an acknowledgement, and a bit of a defusing too if it didn't come off the way I'd intended. It goes back to my observation the other day, that we can learn as much when things go well as when they don't. Owning your work is inextricably related, and the same applies to it. How can you produce consistent work if you only own it when it is not so good, or for that matter only when it is good?

Both sides of the coin demonstrate a lack of humility. As George has pointed out, when you drop character and stop to laugh or chastise yourself when something goes wrong it is an ungenerous act and foolish. It is disrespectful of your audience and scene partner(s), and prevents you from finding something wonderful, which mistakes often do whether or not you make the chastisement or laughter you're feeling part of the character. Only owning some of your work is the same. It is unkind to yourself and the person offering you a compliment if you diminish the compliment.

All of us encounter enough people who provide back-handed compliments or denigrations, like I did from one of the people of whom I asked for a recommendation for ETI. This irritated me at the time, but I got over it pretty quickly. One of the reasons I still remember it is that it marked a change in my attitude. I was learning to accept compliments and affirmations. Otherwise there would have been nothing to fill my tank, and the nasty bit would have been the only thing there. So, learning to accept the good has been a major step for me.

I'm getting more matter of fact compliments lately. People saying they like to watch us work together, or I liked your work today, especially when you... I have been so tuned to the hidden negatives for so long, that hearing the under the surface positive is strange. In these cases it implies a level of work below what they are complimenting you for. That is the nice part of the ensemble. We are at a point where we will say what we like and what we think needs work to each other, though we don't offer the critique unless asked for. The trend for me is very helpful. After struggling the first part of the year, to get feedback which indicates I'm consistently working at a higher level than before is freeing. I'm trying more things, able to articulate my thoughts and questions with more clarity and confidence. They are struggles of a life time, and a little taste of success is mighty savory. It is funny what a new sense of life does for one. Time goes by with less speed. Accomplishments are enjoyed, rather than feeling resentment or loss because they weren't there before. I know so many people living in the funk I knew most of my life, and have no idea of what I can do to help them find the spark of their life. Maybe it is why I write so much of this introspective, with it's recurring themes. Maybe it is why the art which appealed to me so is acting. I find it painful to see friends and acquaintances living diminished lives, and I want them to find the same expansion of life I've found.