Day Twenty Nine Brief

CLASSES:
Combat: Worked through the rest of the entrapments (2,3, and 4).

Voice: Did warmups per the assignment on Sunday. We all need to voice more during them, and spend at least 10 minutes on our feet. I took too long with the early bits, or I might have made the ten minutes on my feet.

Acting: We did our comic scenes, and ours was the Cyrano scene. We'd morphed quite a bit from the directions, still we had some very good stuff, but walked away with a big lesson in common with several others. We had Cyrano as a lecher, Roxanne doing gross stuff (sanding callouses, nose hair trimmer), me admiring her legs, bouncing balls, thrown pillow, pantomimes. There was too much going on for specificity. KISS is what I got out of the notes, Keep It Simple Stupid. With a deeper exploration of just one or two aspects it would have been much better and the audience would have followed.

In the discussion which followed we were talking about intent and specificity. I mentioned the production of The Wizard Of Oz I'd seen this Summer. One of the things which stuck with me artistically was the Munchkins. Actors wore big torso masks with the characters faces. Their arms from the elbow out were used. It was a funny physical gag, and I noticed two of the actors inhabited the masks. The others were actors wearing funny masks. I noted it professionally, and my observation was strengthened when Kalon (adult), Jade (teen), and Kali (10) all talked about their favorite Munchkinsl. For different reasons, all three liked the same two the most. It is nice to find the observations from my increasingly professional eye simply informs me as to why the audience reacts to characters. My friends said, "This character and that one were great." I had an actual understanding as to why. That elicited a nice conversation, so while I still need lots of practice in application, I understand what I am working for.

For homework we are to make character collages for next Friday with both the literal and internal aspects. (I've misplaced my hard written notes, so those aren't the category names Robin actually used.)


OBSERVATIONS/CLICKS:
The last week has been sort of a break for me. I was run down, and needing rest badly, and we were sort of between major projects in acting class. Today is the 12th, and I'm writing up the last three classes at one time. Luckily the classes were mostly review. Last night I slept twelve hours. I feel about normal today, though the assignments for Acting and Voice are on my mind. Sometimes you just have to take care of yourself.

Luckily the classes have mostly been exploring material we've already covered. I'd like to have dived in deeper, but taking care of myself now seems to have been the best approach.

I pulled this from my main blog, too maudlin and it seemed somewhat appropriate here. I added a link to the previous blog entry as it wouldn't make sense otherwise.
Title was: Huh?

There, got a bit of my latest fury with our awol little weasel in the oval office off my chest.

Things have been going pretty well, I think. Trying to get rest and maintain self care has been challenging the last week. I've been getting distracted all too easily. A little fatigue I suppose, maybe more than a little. Had a giant sleep last night, and I'm feeling slightly more on track. Got caught up on my class journal for the last week, though they were exceedingly short entries. Happily we've mostly reviewed and gone deeper on things we'd already covered.

It's hard to believe that in a month and a week we'll be done with our first quarter. I still don't know which of the disparate feelings is more on target. That time has flown by or that we've been in this ensemble for years and years.

I had dinner with a friend on Thursday. My conversation was absolutely inane. I think I normally catch myself on that pretty quickly, but not this time. She was very gracious. Again, it was wonderful to get away from work and ETI for a bit. I'd say I got the most out of the evening, though I feel a bit of a heel now.

I'm at work kind of late for prop night. I have projects I could work on, but I'm still feeling a bit mushy. Two tasking at the moment in addition to this. Normally I can keep way more balls in the air.

There is another dichotomy going on. I've friends at work, and outside of work I'm maintaining contact with. Right now I feel everyone in the Ensemble Training Intensive is a close friend. I'm maintaining contact with my friends in theatre, those outside theatre, and family. I've a hunger. I feel alone, and it pisses me off. I have never been more connected, but there is a feeling of emptiness bordering on grief. I don't mean the keening, wailing over the top sort at the moment of tragedy, but the enduring pang I feel when I think of my paternal grandparents and the memories and love I still have for them.

I can't identify the feeling, or possibly more accurately it's root. I am still out of touch with many of my feelings. I've been getting back in touch with my emotions for several years, and they are often strangers. Is this feeling which has flavors of emptiness and longing for me a full realization of how much I denied my existence for thirty five years? Is it hunger for a committed relationship? Is it a creative urge screaming to come out? Fear of the path I'm currently striving along? Anger at our society? I don't have a fucking clue what it is (or what they are) that is deeply craving my attention. I trust it/they will become more clear at some point, but my patience is wearing thin.

I wonder if it is heralding a period of gradual growth like my growing social circle and deeper social skills. Could it be an explosion of sorts, something like that first experience on stage which changed me deeply and profoundly on December 2, 2000? I don't even know if I'll recognize it when it comes or when I've totally denied it. This feeling is something I've come to recognize as a harbinger of change. I still don't fully understand it. I'm wondering if this lack of understanding is necessary for me to be open and aware. Without being in that space where I can be receptive and responsive, it may be I can't grow as much or at all.

I can beat my head on this all night. No point to it though. If recent experience is any guide I won't figure it out until well after I'm hit over the head with it. Oh, I'll likely start responding and stretching long before I realize what I'm doing. Some little thing will happen, and my natural response will be something I'm totally unfamiliar with. There have been a number personal triumphs which have deeply changed who I am. In the important aspects I have changed more in the last five years than in the previous thirty five. To the outside world the change from the time I was seven until I was forty-two is much more profound than that from the time I was forty-three until now, at forty eight. The core which provides my identity, has changed profoundly whereas it hadn't changed significantly before. I can't find words to describe the change.

The changes I've felt are visceral in a way which does not accommodate explanation. When I try to explain how I stopped keeping track of how much I was owed or owed in a relationship, it comes off smug and inaccurate. It is merely a manifestation. I've tried describing the loss of that social accountant approach in the past in this blog, and never felt I quite hit it. Something else changed, or was let go, and that simply followed. I recognized it was no longer a part of my psyche, and realized I had changed in some way. I'm still not quite clear on what the change was but I do have an internal awareness of how it was manifested in that and other definable changes in my behavior.

I'm tired and edgy with this feeling of impending change. I hope it will be something I recognize and value. Geesh I should have said that paragraphs ago.