Beyond the Character

CLASSES
Audition:
I did my Shakespeare monologue. Ugh. I'd interpreted most everything wrong, and got in a habit of stressing some extra non-operatives. I'll be recording it, and listening for that, which I expect to be an unpleasant experience.


Movement:
We had a quick warm up, mostly ouros-bouros. Then we finished working our physical characters using the first monologue from audition. This was challenging me, as I found a physical shape for my spine that seemed to work, a walk, and point to lead with, but I had trouble holding to it.

George had me work with the crease in my chest, as I'd been using a curved over shape to the spine. I'd been using a pelvic tilt to create the shape, which was not a good focal point. He also had me keep my chin close to my chest, which added a bit more and made for an interesting turn when I wanted to look upwards. Interesting how much easier it is to make consistent adjustments to physicalities than it used to be.

The physical, usually something subtle, really helps me explore and find a character. Well, in working with George's simple suggestions I was able to really inhabit the character, and the other work I'd done came together. At the end of the monologue I didn't get what I wanted from my invisible scene partner, waited a moment, and walked off stage. I came back out to silence. George said he had never seen anything so sad. The feedback lasted a long time. People seemed to be working on digesting my work as much as I was. I resisted the feedback at first, to give myself some time to catch up to myself. Then I got smart, took a breath and said, "Thank you." I was beginning to feel a bit choked up, and didn't trust myself to speak anymore. More on that later.


Acting/Verse/Text (John/Hal and Amy observing):
Every group got up, and went through their entire scene. Hal noted that I was really in my character and the text when I wasn't focusing on blocking. During those blocking times I was hammer stressing, that is hitting every work equally. There were other comments, but mostly related. I really want to work on getting ease in the text and the physicality. It is a very physical scene and bringing the physical and text life together will be a big help.

This was Hal's last day with us until we go into rehearsal for the Shakespeare scenes for the end of term recital. Amy (the Artistic Associate at Seattle Shakes) will be taking over for him. (Both Amy and Hal are faculty members for Cornish, as are a number of our instructors.)


OBSERVATIONS/CLICKS
So, I was feeling choked up in George's class. I think most actors have been there a number of times, but this had a very different flavor than what I've experienced before, where it was from the joy, shock, delight, and such found in inhabiting a character.

I've been struggling a bit lately. Feeling like I'm just not getting it, that walls I can't even sense are blocking me. A week ago I had a dream epiphany, which didn't define the wall, but made me feel I simply needed to surrender to it, while owning my art. It was an active adjustment somewhere in my psyche which was happening, but not something immediately volitional. It felt like I had made the adjustment, and it was not a directly causal action. Simply working and working at 'it', until 'it' worked into me.

By day I'm pretty much a scientist by training and career. Now along comes art, which is not something which can be nailed down and assayed, but is more powerful and important. There is the feeling of constantly walking a vague and unmarked path, with lots of people on cell phones who can't clearly see either your path or goal giving you directions. You listen to the directions which touch your heart, and see what unfolds.

The struggle has been to find a process where I can inhabit the character and the character shines out through the instrument. We're getting a lot of tools to help us build a process, and under all that is simply doing it over and over and building a facility through experience as well.

The character work in George's class was one of those times when an instructor or director has talked about my power on stage. A gift I'm told draws people in, connects to and affects them deeply. Another bit of my resistance, is the reluctance to think I could possibly have a gift. I can feel it when it happens, and it is what makes me fatigue myself to improve upon. A number of people I admire greatly have told me I have this wondrous gift, something people struggle to achieve, and it is there waiting for me. It may be a gift, I may even have it, but it can be damn elusive.

This time I did not get into that space because I had a character which made it easy for me. I used process steps to get into the character emotionally and physically, and did so as a result of that work. It was a nearly scientific breakthrough on one level. To find that my work is repeatable without needing some special and secret ingredient. Rather I can work process steps, whichever are needed for a certain character, and I can get there. I gives a feeling of control, reducing the randomness. The tough part will be knowing which steps need to be done, as I'm already finding what is needed for one role is different from other roles.

There was a realization I had moved to a point where I can truly work with more truth more often. Not that I can do so all the time at this moment, but that I'm working towards owning my art rather than being fully owned by it. Partnerships are always better. As I think on it, that realization was subtle, yet maybe the most profound step I've made as an artist. Once again I feel scared and delighted. Scared with delight, or, delighting in being scared?

During the lengthy feedback from George and my fellow ensemble members I could not respond. As I said, I wasn't caught up in the character's world. I was beginning to realize a change in my art, a shift which was more affecting to me than a single character.