Day One, Almost

Today was our first introduction to the whole class. I was delighted to see all four of us from my Meisner class who auditioned were there. There were a couple other people I know slightly. I'm excited, looking forward to knowing and working with these people. It was stressed that attendance is required, and missing two classes in a quarter will put you on probation for the next quarter. Much of this I suspect is driven by the certification offered through Antioch University, though I don't mind it. Syllabi! It is the first time I've seen a detailed syllabus at Freehold, and I love it. It helps me quickly review afterwards what we covered in a class, so I can easier apply it in things like rehearsals or warm ups. Again I suspect this is driven by Antioch.

Typical class introduction stuff. Share some things, personal reasons about why we are pursuing this kind of training. Not surprising if you've read my other blog, I said something like,

I have found I need to give and receive art. I can't survive without that in my life. Previous training and experience has helped me find and share deep meaning. I want to bring the experience of that connection and truth to the last row of the house.

I think I was the only one to focus on the more technical aspect, though it was referenced by several students and faculty later which made me feel much more comfortable, like we were on the same frequency. I deeply respect and want to continue the deeper work. In order to be professional in my process I need these technical classical skills. Otherwise it feels indulgent, and doesn't serve the audience. All the deep stuff is what drives me to seek improvement, and this in my mind is a commitment to all the truthful work we've done before. Hell, as I think towards the possibility of grad school I'm interested in schools with a Meisner focus so I can further explore the connection and truth there.

It will be very physical, and intense. I already know that, yet hearing it out loud turned on my "Oh Fucking Hell, What Are You Doing!?" light. It's this red light in the back of my head which makes my upper chest and stomach feel uncomfortably warm and tight. I remember red lights on the military jet instrument panels engendering the same thing.

Funny, it wasn't as bad as all that. My first acting class. Starting and most days of basic training under the loving tutelage of Marine drill instructors. The training flights in the basic level. These are things which have terrified me in the same way. I don't think the initial fear is any less. Experience has taught me I come out of those situations with so much more than I imagined. I have never wanted anything more than this. I want it logically, artistically, joyfully, and in the recesses of my very soul. It is a culmination of a love affair with art and myself, a couple things I was not acquainted with most of my life.

I've discovered a very peculiar paradox. I can't envision myself not finishing this program. On the other hand I am not concerned about not finishing if for some reason I drop. In flight school, basic training, college, and so on my self image was totally wrapped up in success -- getting the diploma, commission, or wings. This is so much more important to me, but that dread of failure isn't nagging me. The logical mind says, "Oh good, you can relax and do the work which will be anything but relaxing. The stakes are high enough, no need to raise them artificially." Guess I better listen, though the lack of fear about finishing feels strange to my heart. I know what happened when the logical me never let the artistic side of me, my heart, have a voice. Don't want to simply achieve a reciprocal dysfunction.

I think the bottom line is I've actually learned something the last few years which is very primary and fundamental. It is subtle yet profound. Obvious and very hard for someone like me to learn. The journey towards a goal is what matters. Five years I would say this as a truth without really living or believing it in my core being, but still thinking I truly believed it. I would NEVER tell people I was thinking about MFA programs. What if I didn't make it, or get in? Now I feel no discomfort when I tell people that is what I want to do. I may change my mind, or I may not make the cut. What is important, is it provides a framework for my journey, and where I want to take it at this moment.

This is my schedule this quarter, which I posted a few weeks back on my main blog.
September 6 - December 18
Tuesday:
03:30PM - 06:30PM -- Movement
06:30PM - 07:00PM -- Break
07:00PM - 08:30PM -- Combat
08:30PM - 10:30PM -- Speech

Friday:
09:00AM - 10:30AM -- Combat
10:30AM - 12:30PM -- Voice
12:30PM - 01:30PM -- Break
01:30PM - 05:00PM -- Acting

Sunday:
11:30AM - 02:30PM -- Movement
02:30PM - 04:30PM -- Speech
04:30PM - 05:00PM -- Break
05:00PM - 07:00PM -- Voice
07:15PM - 10:30PM -- Acting

Plus two one hour drills without faculty during one or more of the following windows:
07:45AM - 09:45AM -- Monday, Tuesday, and/or Thursday